Psalm 42:11 … Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Attitude is always shifting. You can never be sad or happy any longer than you want to be. Our moods pass as mysteriously as they come all from our own doing. We’ve to only look within for a short amount of time to know the answer is not there. True answers always comes from above. False hope and choices are a dime a dozen if you look straight ahead and rely only on yourself. None of those solutions truly satisfy like God yet it seems every single last one of them must be put to the test before I acquiesce.
Cloud of despair seems to be hovering around me today. Not sure where it comes from but it is zapping me of all my desires for anything … even my ability to nurture my spiritual needs seems to be running on empty. No rhyme or reason but the feeling is so very real and difficult to shake. Defies explanation or examination and I’ve felt it coming on now for a few days but have been unable to head it off. Today it seems to have really settled in to my conciseness and won’t let go. Must plod along forcing my actions while battling my mind as to why the reluctance and apathy. I think this is the “new” depression or the old depression manifesting itself in a new form to bring me back to where I was. Stay the course there really is no other choice.
I think I know the way. I am prideful that my way is the right way. Pride tells me that I know my way is also the best way to get me to where I want to be. Strange how we all have a natural yearning to have our own way about things in this world. I’m certainly guilty of that. However, it is especially disheartening when it carries over to God. A God that I know loves me and knows best for me and then along come my plans … my way of doing things to complicate his purpose being fulfilled in me.
If I could just stay out of it. He knows I like to take crooked roads to get places and that a straight path is what I need to be on to get to his place. It’s some how like I think I know best when that can’t possibly be yet I keep insisting on planning and leading any way.
Proverbs 16:9 – In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.
That is a very humbling verse right there. Being humble in life with others can’t be achieved until you can first humble your self before your Lord and submit to his ultimate control of your life. Only humility can soften my soul enough to make me useable to God to accomplish his purpose in me. Humility is without a doubt one of the toughest lessons to learn in life but a necessity to combating our pride, which when left unchallenged, would result in the delaying of fulfilling God’s purpose for our life.
How do we make sure there are no delays? We humble ourselves to the Lord … and
Proverbs 3: 5) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6) in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Father, please take away my prideful ways
I have finally been scheduled for Prostate Cancer Surgery on May 28th 2013 at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville Tennessee. That’s way longer than I want to wait but apparently that’s the next available slot so it will have to do. Hopeful the surgery will be successful in removing my prostate and all the cancer as well as not leaving me with any unwanted side effects. Time will tell … now more waiting.
Attended a Goldwing Motorcycle Rally and Ride-In in Roger’s Arkansas over the last few days. Just got home last night from this road trip and it covered about 1,850 miles.
It was a ton of fun and I saw a few old friends and made many new ones. However, I’m not at all happy with my behavior while there. My old self with many of my old habits were just to easy to fall back into and were on display to my shame. As the old saying goes “If you lie down with dogs you’re going to get up with fleas”. The only true test of one’s faith are your actions not your words especially when you are outside of your established schedule and familiar environment. Sadly I found it much easier in this environment to give into my self center-ness and petty needs again and tended to put God on the back burner while I had a good time without. A truly faithful servant must be the same where ever they are at all times. Nothing should ever change who you belong to and who you are in God’s view and you should act accordingly. There are no vacation days from God’s spirit. In the end there is no place to hide, no excuse good enough … nothing you can do but be convicted by the truth of your actions. This little road trip taught me that I must be the same no matter where I’m at or who I’m with. I can’t let circumstances change who I am or who I’m becoming in Christ. That journey must continue unabated no matter where I find myself or who I’m with.
Psalm 139:7 – Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
At long last I got the call from my surgeon at Vanderbilt Hospital today and they have finally heard back from the doctor at John Hopkins Hospital in Maryland. He confirms my biopsy sample is in fact Cancer with a Gleason score of 3 + 3 or 6. He’s evidently a renowned Doctor in this field so looks like I will probably be moving forward with the surgery soon. My surgeon says there’s a 6 week wait to get in for prostate surgery. A shame we lost an entire month with the mix up on my biopsy but he says as long as we get the surgery done within 6 months of the initial diagnosis, which was Feb 1st it will be fine. Got to get it done. I’m sure everything will be fine. Just taking it one day at a time and trusting God will make it all good in the end.
Finally a perfect 70 degree Spring day with blue skies for a change arrived here in North Western Tennessee. Spring has been late arriving this year and this day gave me and my Little Brother Mitchel (Big Brother/Big Sisters Org) the perfect chance to take a day long ride together on the motorcycle that we had been trying to get in for some time. Mitchel is pictured here about to blow an unarmed recreational boater clear out of the water at the River Garrison which is part of the Fort Donelson National Battlefield along the Cumberland River in Tennessee. I made Mitchel a deal that if he let me give him a history lesson about the Civil War history of Dover, Tennessee and Fort Donelson National Battlefield during the first part of the day we could stop by my place in the afternoon and I’d let him school me on the X-Box. In the interim we put the Goldwing through its paces and covered about 200+ miles together and had a wonderful time that even featured a Ferry Ride across the Kentucky Lake. He had lunch and talked and had a great time sharing time with each other. Mitchel and I have been paired up since the beginning of the year and we’re slowly becoming good friends. We see each other every couple of weeks or so and just basically hang out together doing stuff for fun. It is truly a blessing for me to be able to give some of my time to Mitchel and he’s teaching me a multitude of things as well. I know God is wanting us all to slow down some in our busy lives and take the focus off of ourselves just for a second which I often have difficulty doing. This is a wonderful positive in my life that I treasure greatly. I’ve learned that as we grow spiritually in our faith it’s important to show love to everyone we can and we should always try and find as many opportunities as we can to share God’s love with others. Look around … chances are you just walked by someone today that could have used your help. I’m on the look out everyday now for a chance to show God’s love to someone. We always have the means with us to help others … we just resist because we think we don’t have the time. My eyes have only been truly opened to this truth recently.
Proverbs 3:28 Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—when you already have it with you.