Fell down today. Been awhile since I’ve been at this familiar place. Can’t say it feels any different than it always has in the past. Change takes time and true change is going to take even longer. There is a difference however … a disturbance in the forces of my life.
Hope … that’s what it is. I feel hope. Hope for a better me. Even in this familiar place where it’s never spoken of I have hope this time things will be different … better … right … righteous even. There’s a path that actually leads somewhere. Not a road to ride that never ends.
I’ve become a fully functional Christian sinner again and I’m not happy about that … At the same time I feel like I might possibly be growing in my faith for the first time in my life. That’s the hope. That’s the goal. That’s the prize but today I fell. It hurts when you fall. That’s what’s suppose to happen. Maybe you won’t do it again or at the least you won’t do it as often or your HOPE is that you will never do it again. Father please convict me when I fall. Make it unpleasant. Make it uncomfortable. Make me stronger next time and the next until it is no more.
I can’t drag myself from the familiar place easily. I thought I could do it all at once but I can’t. I’m not expected to … although that’s what I thought. I set myself up for failure. One has to want help with a problem before one is willing to ask for it. Of course, he’s waiting patiently and shaping me waiting for me to ask honestly but I can’t do it yet for some reason. He knows my condition, the methods I keep and all my excuses. His … is a new way to live with no old habits allowed … so much tougher but so much better for me in so many ways that I can’t appreciate from the familiar place. It’s a do over until you get it right. Ask in Jesus name and it shall be given. My gracious God drag me away from this familiar place and help me to get it right.