It Begins …

I am 62 years old and was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer on Feb 1st 2013. I decided to Journal this experience and this is my first hand account of my experiences as I’m living through it …

 

Thursday, January 31, 2013, 9:16 AM  … The day before receiving my diagnosis 

As I sit here this morning feeling sorry for myself I can’t help but wonder what purpose does it serve other than to feed my own fears. Irregardless, my thoughts keep returning to the upcoming results of my prostate biopsy that I will find out either tomorrow or Monday. I can’t supplant the thoughts running around my head no matter how hard I try. I suppose that is a natural reaction and I’ve had a very difficult time shaking my mind from dwelling on it since getting the call from my Doctor that I needed to come in and have that biopsy of my prostate done a few days ago. It’s either cancerous or it’s not. I know the chances are remote that I have prostate cancer and I’m probably ok but that doesn’t do a thing to ease my mind as to the possibility I might. What if the results come back positive for cancer? What then?

Another natural thing to do would be to start researching and learning everything you can about prostate cancer. I’ve spent time doing that too this week and it just scares the heck out of me even more so I stopped. No point in giving my mind even more ammunition to work with. Amazing how the mind functions and different scenarios play out in your mind until they become so real in your mind you can’t see your way to any other possibility or out come. I’ve never been a true optimist in all my years and I can see I’m certainly not starting now. However, I Will save further research on the subject until after confirmation only in order to keep the pessimism down.

True … we are all dying but nothing quite says you’re dying more quickly than you want to than Cancer. What would I do differently in my life knowing I’ll have to fight prostate cancer versus knowing that I don’t? Would I rush to fit in all those silly things we put on a bucket list to do before we die? Would I feel any less depressed than I already do sometimes about my life under optimal conditions if it’s not cancer? I imagine I would be greatly relieved but only for a short time. Humans have a tendency to forget things pretty quickly once a danger has past. It’s only when the danger is present are we willing to focus on it. If not we just trudge along, head in the sand, as if we are going to live forever. How convenient for the sanity of our minds. Something we all need in order to live a productive life rather than one under a rock.

Great strides have been made in medical science especially as it relates to prostate cancer. Early detection and treatment options have reduced the number of deaths and extended life in many men that have prostate cancer and by no means is a diagnoses of prostate cancer a death sentence. Far from it … least from an immediacy stand point. Cancer may be delayed but usually wins out more times than not. Not exactly an encouraging thought but something of a silver lining that it won’t be quick even if it happens at all. Many men go cancer free for the rest of their lives after treatment. Why does that not comfort or ease my mind? Why won’t my mind focus on those thoughts rather than thinking the end of life just got a whole lot closer and could possibly jump up and bite me.

Maybe this is part of God’s plan for me. I remember from the book “Not A Fan” by Kyle Idleman that 8 out of the 11 people he cited in that book as true “Follower’s” of Jesus Christ had experienced a life altering or catastrophic event that turned them to God. Only the other 3 came to that decision on their own terms. If I’m honest I really don’t qualify as either “Fan” or “Follower”. I don’t even register on the scale but I do know in my heart that God loves me anyway as bad as I am with all my faults and frailties. That’s a comforting thought. I’m sure he wants more from me … much more … maybe this is his way of saying so. What ever he puts in my path surely must be good for me. That is where I need to stand on this. I’ve prayed as much and know that it is all good.

Writing and journaling about this has created an outlet of sorts for me. Yong and I have talked about my feelings and the possibilities this might mean but she is way to positive for me. I suppose I would be the same way for her in similar circumstances. What other position can a loved one take other than to be supportive against any and all odds. Question now becomes who do I share this with … if anyone? I’ve already decided I could spare the kids for a least a week’s worry while the lab work is being done. They know about my symptoms and that I’ve been referred to a Urologist for an exam but I haven’t told them my blood work from that visit prompted the Doctor to request a biopsy be done and that I’m now waiting for the results. I didn’t want them to worry the way I have been during this week. I didn’t see it as serving any purpose to put them through that. Figured I’d bring them up to speed just before or just after I get the results. Not sure if that was a good decision or not but one of those decisions you make by how your gut feels. 

What about my friends? Do I want to burden them with this health news? In reality there really isn’t any news one way or the other yet so why mentioned it? Everyone has their own problems and why should I feel like everyone wants to know mine. There’s probably nothing to share as the results will probably be that I’m fine. I have to admit It would be good to read some encouraging words from them but even that is to be expected. That won’t make it any less sincere or honest. So what is so bad about that? Why am I so reluctant to let my friends be my friends and my family be my family and support and encourage me during a difficult time? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.